**If you don’t want to hear me talk about anxiety, switch to a different post
Today was mean’t to be one of those days where you get shit done. Instead, I spent all afternoon in my bed crying. Why? Because I am suffering from some of the worse anxiety I have had in years. And I literally have no idea why.
Recently my life has been a whirlwind and I don’t usually talk in much detail about my struggle with anxiety but today spurred me on to do something, to write something, for me and my own sanity. I decided that the anxiety I am currently suffering with needs to be dealt with.
But at what point do you decide when it is too much? I spent three hours this afternoon unable to move, not wanting to talk to anyone and trying to work out why I felt like I did. It could of been the fact I was tired, I was alone on a bank holiday, or that my anxiety is in fact taking hold of my life. It is all I think about and all I worry about. In fact when will I realise anxiety won’t simply disappear?
For years I have dealt with anxiety but right now feels like on of the worst points during those five years. In my career I have got to a point and a role that I love, and something I have dreamed about and worked towards for years. But for some reason my mind will not let me enjoy it. My anxiety will not let me take hold of my life and instead causes me to self-doubt, question my choices in life and ultimately make me feel like I cannot cope. It got to a point a few weeks ago where I felt so affected by my anxiety that I decided to go to the doctors where I prescribed anti-depressants.
The feeling of no control is one that I cannot deal with and possibly why I react so badly to anxiety. The anxiety seems to strip away my control and makes me feel vulnerable and unsafe. How can you make yourself feel unsafe? Surely you should be able to manage your own mind? That is something I have been asked time and time again. Or told ‘Simply don’t think about being anxious’ or ‘take your mind of feeling anxious’ when of course this is the only thing I wish I could do.
I am not really sure why I am writing this post other than to open up my feelings and show that life isn’t easy. In fact right now life is really hard. I am finding life extremely hard. And right now I don’t know how to make it better.
Social media may show a life in each of us that is inspirational and motivational but is it really the life we follow or do we need to be truer to ourselves about what life is really like.
Over and out, I promise the next post will be more upbeat…